Grand Hole Opry.

In the span of a few short days, we've learned both that country music star Mindy McCready, when she was only 15, began a decade-long affair with Roger Clemens AND that Billy Ray Cyrus' 15-year-old daughter, Miley Cyrus, recently posed for some allegedly racy photos for Vanity Fair.

Since when did country music start turning 15-year-old girls into insatiable whores? I mean, when I was a teenager, I knew I was cheating myself out of a decent amount of strange by listening to too much Marillion. But I certainly had no idea the antidote was a Merle Haggard tape.

***

On the Miley Cyrus thing. I love that there's all this outrage and handwringing that the scandalous photos (I guess this is one of them) are going to wreck her career, but when the story broke, the Vanity Fair site promptly crashed, unable to handle the enormous traffic of everyone rushing to get a peek. I think Miley's gonna be just fine.

Actually, I Would Have Said Bitter AND Uneducated.

It's really very strange to read the coverage over Obama's comments that rural Pennsylvanians "cling to guns and religion" because they are "bitter" about being poor and generally fucked over by the government and the wealthy. The "story" is really how the Clinton and McCain people are trying to keep this purported issue alive, rather than whether he actually offended anyone. Political operatives are crying elitism, Second Amendment, faith, blah blah blah.

But...everyone knows Obama's comments are accurate. He might have made a stupid political move by making them the way he did, but that doesn't mean he wasn't right.

And by the way, when did class warfare - which is essentially what Obama was up to - become a verboten political tactic?

Da me mas gasolina...y Optimum Online!

You know, there's really nothing left to say here -- the Onion and Gawker have already done it. But I will say that I went from hating this thing with every fiber of my being to wondering how I can get the song on mp3.

I Have a "Different Memory" About Whether I Had Sex with Rose McGowan.

My favorite part of the whole Hillary Clinton sniper tale is that part of her explanation for the discrepancies is "I have a different memory." Meaning, she remembers dodging bullets on the tarmac, putting her head down, and diving into a military vehicle. It turns out that "memory" was just a simple mistake.

The part that gets me though is that I think every one of us can immediately and quite accurately answer the question "Have you ever been shot at?" So, for her to say "I have a different memory" about whether or not she was dodging sniper fire is just incredible. It's very much like the time her husband was asked if he had ever smoked marijuana and he said "once or twice." Errr...if you only smoked it one time, you would know that. If you smoked it more than one time, you would know that too. So, "once or twice" is, by definition, a lie. (Admittedly, "I didn't inhale" was a funnier lie, so it got a lot more press.)

What a disgusting family.

Life has no meaning. I wish I were dead.

I can't be the first person to ask this question, but did Owen Wilson try to kill himself because he didn't want to be around for Drillbit Taylor?

Speak Dunkaccino or Go Home!

Holy shit. Instead of their new "Fritalian" ad campaign aimed at Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts should just come out and say "Hey, retards, our coffee won't hurt your brain." Here's the one that seems to me getting the most airplay -




So, according to Dunkin' Donuts (and the corporate-teat-sucking They Might Be Giants), the menu at Starbucks is so complicated as to be beyond human comprehension. And, as an American, when you want a caffeinated beverage, you should be able to use small, non-ethnic sounding words, even if it means drinking shittier coffee. I mean, Jesus died for the English-speaking world's sins, so it's the least you can do.

But after showing us a bunch of mouthbreathers who apparently cannot say "tall latte," the commercial ends with the pièce de résistance (for all you Dunkin' Donuts fans, that means "the best part"). After telling you (and showing you) you're just too friggin' stupid to order coffee at Starbucks, the narrator chimes in and says "Delicious Dunkin' Donuts lattes. You order them in English."

Wait...what? That's right. Lattes that you order in English. One more time -- Lattes...English. Apparently, you order these lattes by saying "I'd like a shot of espress...I mean, uh, concentrated coffee...topped with a layer of steamed milk and then some foam." But hey, at least you didn't have to suffer the indignity of saying the word "tall" or, god forbid, "grande."

Of course, at Dunkin Donuts, they also sell a "Dunkaccino" and nine different varieties of something called a "Coolatta" (including the inscrutable Cherry Lime SoBe Coolatta). So I guess the message is that Americans shouldn't be exposed to words that might sound French or Italian, but bullshit corporate-branding speak? We're gonna rub that shit in your face until you actually believe it's English.

At Least We Didn't See His Pubes Poking Out His Tighty Whities This Time.

In non-Spitzer news, more fun Tom Cruise Scientology video at Defamer this past week. I guess this is footage from a birthday party the cult...er, religion...er, I repeat myself...threw for him for whatever birthday he was celebrating in 2004. And he joins the band for a version of Old Time Rock and Roll, the song that made him somewhat famous I guess. And he does a few of his Risky Business moves, all the while showing his new trademark maniacal laugh.

I don't get it really. Why reenact scenes from movie you did twenty years ago? I mean, sure, I made some films when I was younger, but you don't see me getting on stage and banging Chasey Lain long and hard at MY birthday parties...

By the way, did you know that Chasey's a whore now? I mean, for real, in the technical sense? See here. Further proof that Spizer was an unfit governor. I mean, for $650 more an hour, he could've had a porn star. Granted, she's a used-up porn star, but at least he would have known she'd never been tagged by some guy named "Mysterious."

Spitzer I

The thing about working at a news and publishing company is that I'm bombarded with info all day long. And, as a result, I've got too much Eliot Spitzer . . . "stuff" . . . to organize into a single coherent post. So, I'm doing the quick hit cop-out and writing about separate points as I get the time.

***

The most mind-blowingly stupid thing to come out of this whole affair? I mean, to steal a line from Billy Madison, something that makes you dumber just for having read it? It's gotta be this post from the beautiful Kathryn Jean Lopez, National Review Editor. When Lopez thinks of prostitution, she apparently doesn't think of "a victimless recreational activity between consenting adults." She goes on to say:

I guess we can thank Spitzer if his predicament highlights crimes that go unpunished, women who are suffering in this "profession," families destroyed by the industry...and point people in the direction of some of the children (not just his daughters) who have been hurt and exploited by human sex trafficking. (her emphasis)

And she goes on to cite the case of Javier Miguel Ramirez, a Maryland man who forced a 14 year old Mexican girl to have sex up to 25 times a day with men who paid $30 for 15 minutes. Ramirez, of course, took almost all the money.

Whenever someone is trying to come up with a reason why prostitution should be illegal, you can be certain they'll go the sex trafficking and child prostitution route. It's the hallmark of a small brain. But even if we assume that forcing vulnerable women into sexual labor is a significant problem - and there's good reason to believe it isn't - it's a separate criminal act that has nothing to do with the voluntary exchange of sex for money. Just because some factories are sweat shops doesn't mean we should outlaw all manufacturing. Similarly, just because some prostitutes may be under some form of unreasonable compulsion doesn't mean we should outlaw all prostitution.

Now, what makes Ms. Lopez the poster child for lead paint poisoning is not that she invoked the human trafficking spectre. That just makes her one of the masses. What places her head and shoulders above her peers is that, rather than presenting the argument as a response to a general pro-legalization argument, she directly equates, in the same post, a 14 year old sex slave with the woman who received $4300 to go to the Mayflower Hotel and have sex with the governor of the State of New York. Is she so stupid that she cannot see the difference between the two? Does she think the rest of us are so stupid that we can't?

***

I feel bad for Spitzer's kids, of course. I do not, however, feel bad for his wife, Silda Wall Spitzer. You cannot be married to a man for 20 years without knowing that he's a megalomaniacal asshole who would step on his own dead mother for the sake of his personal gain. You don't live with someone for that long without knowing what a self-centered prick he is. Or that his supposed ideals and morals have always been, at best, subordinate to his own wants and desires. She deserves this, even if just for looking the other way the whole time.

Do You Have a Burning Sensation When You Play with your Barbie?

I had planned on getting back into blogging again by adding my own blather to the Spitzer pile this evening, but that turned out to be sort of a big undertaking and I just didn't have the time (largely because Hot Fuzz was on Cinemax).  So, maybe tomorrow night.

For tonight though -- word from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention that 1 out of every 4 teenage girls has an STD.  And 4 out of 4 of my sexual fantasies are now ruined.  Thanks a whole pantload, CDC.  

Wherein I finally work in a Smiths reference....

Cannibalism Begins at Home.